i had a minor crisis of faith today.  i woke up to the sound of rain, with thunder in the not-so-distant background.  i can't prove it conclusively, but intuitively i'm pretty certain that i have not been awakened by an early morning rain in...i don't know, months?  But this morning, rain fell steadily from the moment i opened my eyes.

i'm not against rain.  i know we need it, and typically i love a rainy, thunderstormy morning.  (i know i'm stretching my language here.  Work with me.)  But today we had planned to host a church-wide "family picnic".  The operative word being "picnic".  Perhaps you're beginning to see my dilemma.  500 people planned to share fried chicken, potato salad, cole slaw, watermelon and banana pudding.  On the lawn.  Which, in itself, was daunting as the pitter-patter of raindrops greeted me first thing this morning.  But equally frustrating (ok, perhaps more frustrating...which will reveal how self-serving i really am) is the fact that our little team of hospitality folks typically meet people at their cars as they arrive for church to receive their contribution of "side dish" (said potato salad, slaw, watermelon....) for our picnic.  We had promised to meet them at their cars.  And today, we would do that in the rain.  UGH. 

My very first thought at the sound of the downpour outside my window was, "Seriously, Lord?  SERIOUSLY?  You have got to be kidding me!"  i huffed and puffed as i plowed through my closet for something to wear that was rain-worthy.  (You don't want to know what i ended up with.)  i sighed heavily, and repeatedly, as i dried my hair...which i knew was a waste of time (the drying -- not the sighing), but what's a girl to do?  i grudgingly greeted my sweet husband.  Whose birthday, by the way, was today.  

As i drove to church, i was really struggling with serious disappointment.  In the Lord.  i just didn't get it.  How could He possibly plan for this weather on this day to be for the good of His church?  For my good?  SERIOUSLY.  i thought about things like, maybe i didn't pray enough about this day.  Or maybe we hadn't sought the Lord about His desire for the day.  Or maybe He really didn't care about our picnic.  Or maybe He didn't care about my life at all (i know.  Extreme) ... i knew i was treading into deep water (pun intended).

By His great grace, i remembered, ever-so-briefly, what i learned from Psalm 73.  "Surely [without a doubt] God is good to Israel."  Asaph then goes on to describe an incident much like mine... And while his circumstances were much more dire than the probability of a wet hem, the threat to my faith was no less serious.  He describes an "embittered soul" and "brutish" demeanor toward God.  That's where i was headed.  If i've already said this somewhere, you'll have to forgive the repetition, but i will always love verses 16 & 17 of this psalm:  "when i thought how to understand this [the audacity of the rain on my picnic] it seemed to me a wearisome task [mostly because there is not a good answer to "why"] until i went into the sanctuary of God..." 

Until i went into the sanctuary.  Into the sanctuary.  What does that mean, exactly? 

Well, i think it does mean acutally going into the sanctuary.  Clearly, there is rich doctrine here about the significance of corporate worship for our personal walk with God (which, by the way is not personal mostly, but with people).  But that's a point for another post (and believe me, i'll get to that).  The interesting thing is that this morning, i did not have the luxury to wait until worship.  My crisis was in my heart and mind, in my car, several hours before worship.  And bitterness was creeping into my soul......

So i went into the sanctuary of Scripture.  It's what i had at the moment.  i started reciting every verse that i have committed to memory.  Out loud.  i didn't try to think up verses that i thought might apply specifically to this rainy day connundrum.  i started with Philippians 1 and 2.  (Don't be too impressed.  i've been working on memorizing Philippians for three years.  i'm halfway through chapter 2.)  After the parts of Philippians that i know, i repeated verses from the Old Testament and some from the New.  Verses about God.  Verses about worry.  Verses about sin, and prayer, and faith, and lack-of-faith.  Anything that i could think of to arrest the brutish thinking that would cause my "foot to slip". 

By the time i got to Starbucks (smile), my attitude had begun to shift.  Ever so slightly, but i knew that my perspective was better.  In the rain.  As i left Starbucks, venti iced tea/no water/no ice in hand, i rehearsed "Great is Thy Faithfulness".  With the windshield wipers keeping ryhthm.  "All i have needed, thy hand hath provided...Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto me."   Phew.  Pitter-patter.  Pitter-patter.  Swoosh.....great is thy faithfulness, Lord.  Unto me.

When i met Chas to pick up the 600 pieces of fried chicken from Wal-Mart (Yes.  Wal-Mart fries a really good chicken.), the lady in the deli remarked, "You must have a large congregation!"  To which i replied, "Yes"  And then i decided to share with her my faith crisis (which is not really like me at all):  "When i woke up to the rain this morning, i thought, 'Seriously, Lord?  Today?" 

And then i heard the Holy Spirit from this sweet little deli lady say:  "That's alright, child.  That's His blessing rainin' down on your church today."

Indeed.  Out of the mouth of the deli lady.  And the Psalmist.

"Thy Word have i hid in my heart that i might not sin against Thee."
"Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."
"In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God."
"If you love me, keep my commandments."
"If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you."

Each of these truths were brought to bear on my faith as i watched the rain fall on our church picnic and struggled with my disappointment in God's plan for the day.  The Word preserved me from sin.  The Word helped me to think clearly and wisely.  The Word renewed my love and refreshed my soul.  Was this day perfect?  Not by a long shot.  But my faith grew today.  "As for me, my feet had almost stumbled...until i went into the Sanctuary... my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73...my newest memory verse.) 

The next time it rains on my parade (or my picnic), i hope i will not be so quick to forget.....

p.s.  the picnic went off without a hitch.  In the gym.  Sigh ...