No longer stumped

It's Sunday.  And not just any Sunday...Communion Sunday.  i love Communion Sunday. 

You know, there were a lot of years when communion would roll around and i would honestly sit in the pew and think to myself:  "hmmm....what sin do i need to confess?  i'm not sure i can think of anything."  Really.  i really actually thought that. (i'm fairly sure i wrote those words in my journal one time when i was going through the ACTS prayer model...i was stumped on the "confess" stage.) i might come up with a few typical sins if i really tried.  Like the little issue that i have with pride. But i honestly believed that "coming to the Table" with my church family was more for them than for me.  

The past few years i've learned a thing or two about my own sin.  The first thing i've learned is that pride is not a "little issue".  It's actually quite pervasive and incredibly destructive.  If it was, actually, the "only" sin that i could come up with as i contemplated the sacrifice of the Living Savior on the cross, it would be enough to separate me from Him and send me to hell forever.  Staggering.

But the other thing that i've learned (surely there's a more profound word to use here other than "thing", but i can't think of it) is that the inclination of my soul is commonly, if not exclusively, toward sin.  Left to myself, i do not stretch Godward.  Not in my heart, or my mind, or my actions. i am self-protective. Self-promoting. Self-satisfying.  In short, i have made an idol out of myself. 

This plays out in my life in a dozen ways throughout every single day.  Just before getting to church this morning, the most important issue on my mind was what i would wear.  Seriously.  i'm almost 50.  Going to the church where i have been among family for more than 20 years, and i'm still wondering "what will people think of me if i wear that?".  (Issue No. 1 is why i think people even care what i wear...a notion that is in itself narcissitic.)  i am like a small child who says "Look at me! Look at me!"  AT CHURCH.  (Does this sound like pride to you?) Ugh.

Communion Sunday. The psalmist begged the Lord, "Search me, O God, and know my heart.  Test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."   i know there are offensive ways in me. A few years and a lot of heartache, and i'm no longer stumped by the "c" in ACTS*.  i'm painfully aware of my offensive ways.  And while, obviously, i don't have to wait on this particular day and time to deal with my sin before the Lord, i love that celebrating Communion leads me in the way everlasting.

One last thing :-) .  i love Communion Sunday with my brothers & sisters, at my church.  i love being served the "bread and wine" (aka crackers and juice) by men who have been willing to spend themselves on my behalf, to shepherd me and speak truth to me and pray for me.  i love that we are on this journey together, my brothers & sisters and me.  Our collective repentance knits our hearts together and brings glory to the Father.  The rhythm of this corporate celebration breathes life into my soul and fuels my walk with God.

i left church almost 12 hours ago and i'm still basking in the restored joy of my salvation and the fellowship of a meal shared with my family.  "Do this in remembrance of me..."  Sobering.  But so full of hope.

*If you are not familiar with the Christian-ease acronym for ACTS, no worries. It is a format for prayer that encourages us to express A-doration to God; C-onfess our sin; T-hank God and make S-upplication for our needs.  A little formulaic, but helpful none-the-less.  If you don't get stumped by the "c".